June 15, 1294

Our mission for yesterday was to clear out a temple outside of the city. Mercenaries had apparently been raiding the town and they wanted help clearing them out. We bought Luella a morning star from the blacksmith in the guild, whose name I believe was Frarin, oddly enough, and headed out. Before we were able to leave though, we came across these two groups of religious zealots accusing each other of some pretty heinous things. I mean, one group was accusing the other of raiding the village and the other was accusing the first of kidnapping citizens and it was all terrible. I recognized the gods they were screaming about and realized that they were both good. Iomedae and Cayden Cailean, I believe. I think I sort of shamed them into walking away. I didn't mean to, exactly, but they just...they made me so mad. Doing horrible things to other people or accusing other people of doing them...neither of their gods would approve. Being good is being kind and being accepting, going out of your way to help people and putting the needs of others before your own. They weren't followers of Sarenrae but I felt like by using the names of their gods as curses that they were besmirching the entire alignment.

After I went off on them, both groups just sort of mumbled and walked away. I guess they figured they didn't have much of a leg to stand on but after they left, we noticed a map fall from one of their pockets. It looked fairly keep-like so we kept it, in the hopes that it would help us navigate later.

When we arrived at the keep, sure enough, it seemed to match the symmetrical four-towered map we had, so we went in. Even with a map, the place was huge and took forever to search. It was filled with blocked doors that I couldn't break and we could hardly damage without the help of Luella's bombs. There was a blown-up hole in the wall later in the keep and I made a comment about alchemists that Luella heard. She was really upset with me (and channeling positive energy did not help), and I really didn't know what to do. Alchemists are terrors. They capture arcane energy with the intention of channeling it toward destruction. The worst part is that that's the only thing they can do to the outside world. They can prepare extracts but only they could use them. Any help they could do in the form of healing spells or protection is limited solely to saving their own skin.  Sure it makes them self-sufficient, but at the price of tapping into arcane power the gods clearly didn't want them to have. They can't create; they can only destroy.

I'm guessing Luella is still mad at me. I guess I would be too. I don't understand why someone would do that with their life, be so selfish, so...why would you dedicate your life to tearing things down? Without adding anything to this world?

I don't understand her, and I don't like her choices, but she's in this with me and I have to keep peace. I really don't know what else to do.

So we kept exploring the keep, trying not to get distracted by intra-party drama. We were trying to be careful, so everyone would search the room for traps and then either Luella or Kaelyn would try to disarm it (I guess Luella has rogue talents as well), but we weren't good enough to find one in particular because as I stepped through a doorway, I felt the ground disappear beneath my feet, then falling, then immense pain, then nothing. It felt like I was sinking into the stone floor, ceasing to be, until I was being force fed a potion. I choked a bit, but it was enough to get me back on my feet, and I drank another to fully restore my consciousness. I was worried about how to get out of this 60 foot pit I found myself in, but I think I was delirious from the pain or on an adrenaline high or something, because I don't remember anything between worrying how I was going to get out and suddenly being back on the surface.

Eventually, after being faced with a near-death experience and so many stuck doors and not enough bombs, we decided to rest for the night. Ainfean was supposed to be awake and on watch so the rest of us could sleep but during the night someone stole all of our possessions, including the ones off the mule! Luella was furious about her reagents being stolen, which I guess is a detriment to having power stored in something other than your relationship with a deity.

Well, not all of our possessions. I guess my bag looked too worn to be worth anything, or maybe it blended in with the dirt in the night, but it was still there. It was lucky it was too, since none of us had eaten since breakfast yesterday and there is no use fighting on an empty stomach. I gave everyone rations from my bag (including Luella, who's still mad at me; and Ainfean, who apparently still needs to eat despite being a plant) and we went back into the keep. Devoid of Luella's bombs, it didn't look like we were going to be able to progress very far, but most of the doors that were stuck yesterday appeared to be open today. We explored the rest of the keep, desperately trying to be more careful than yesterday. Kaelyn only set off one trap while trying to disarm it, and it dropped her down 10 feet, which just seems quaint now.

There was a room with a well in the corner which I looked at, and it appeared to have little rocks floating in it. I thought that was odd, so I picked them up and showed them to everyone else. Eventually, someone figured out that you could open them and they had a single gold piece inside. It was so odd that I couldn't help but keep it, even though I really don't have need for gold. I guess as a reminder that value can be found in unlikely places.

There was also a room with an idol that radiated evil (even if I can't detect it anymore), which everyone just wanted to leave alone, except Ainfean, who thought it was a good idea to take it along with us. We all followed behind her at a distance, sending her into rooms first after that. Now it strikes me as terribly cowardly and unfair to Ainfean, but...her choice put her sort of at odds with the rest of the group. We weren't comfortable with her carrying that around and we didn't want to be involved in the consequences. Eventually, there was an altar that also looked dark and foreboding, so Ainfean decided to put the idol on the altar. I didn't see exactly what happened since I believe the rest of us were hiding in the corridor, but apparently the idol melted away and was replaced by a necklace of fireballs. I wasn't comfortable with this unholy gift, but Luella appraised it to be about 1100 gp and the rest of the party determined it was worth keeping.

We kept searching and as we finally got to the last room, we found them.

There was a nondescript rogue in the corner, but my eye caught on the very, very distinctive ifrit in the center of the room.

It was the merchant.

I barely remember what happened. I remember him taunting me, calling me a paladin, acting like I'd been lying to my party. It made me so full of rage all I could think of was that he was beyond redemption. I tried to see the good in him and he threw it all in my face. He wanted to work for us (for a weekly stipend, of course), which I sharply said no to. Never was I going to work with someone whose loyalty could be bought with coin. Then he offered to sell the information, but it wouldn't come cheaply: 1000 gp.

Then Ainfean did something I'll probably never forget. She walked over to him and asked him to examine the necklace, said it was worth about 1100 gp. I expected she was going to offer it to him, which worried me, because how can you trust information extorted through money, but then:

"And I won't fry you with these fireballs if you give us the information."

I wanted to hug her. I know it was wrong. It's not lawful and it's certainly not good, but at least she wasn't playing their games.

Negotiations continued until it became quite obvious that the rogue and Kaelyn knew each other, from childhood, I think. I think they were hashing out some old conflicts (I wasn't really listening), when the rogue (Selyna? I think?) "let it slip" that Kaelyn was a sorcerer.

Immediately, I know I reacted strongly, but then I think my brain short-circuited. I didn't have enough time to process how I felt on that yet. I liked Kaelyn.

Vic (because that's apparently his name) continued taunting me and I just...I wanted him dead. I wanted to see him brought to justice for the wrongs he had done. The city had asked us to take care of the mercenaries and I wanted to have that done. I wanted to punish those who were harming or threatening innocents.

Heh. That sounds familiar.

I honestly don't really remember what happened after that. We got the information somehow, but I don't remember what it was or how we got it. Luella got her reagents back and ran past Vic (who was blocking the door), but Selyna ran after her.

I just remember rage. Furious, blind rage.

At some point, we left the room and headed toward the entrance. Selyna was lying there, bleeding out and...I felt bad for her. She was clearly not very bright and not very good at this. I healed her as best I could and I think she just got up and started attacking again. Everything was such a blur as we ran out and I just needed to get somewhere and pray and collect my thoughts. Too much had happened in there. Too many things I didn't like thinking or feeling.

One thing did stick out though. The religious zealots that were fighting early yesterday, they were lying by the side of the road, dead.

At least...most of them were. There were 5 bodies and 6 people arguing. Between that and the map...it makes me wonder if we let someone very evil slip through our grasp.

We reported back to the guild with the information we had and I went off to the church. I was praying when Vic showed up behind me. Eerily close behind me, really. He whispered something that Celathir had muttered before, "A blackthorn tree bursts into flame," and then left. I don't know why he followed us back. I don't know why he followed me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but...I think I hate him.

But that's not a good thing to do. That's not offering redemption but...how are you supposed to when the person is so undeniably resistant to the idea?

I don't want to be the old Ferrin, the girl he accused me of being, but as he kept saying it, the more I became her. Judgmental, fueled by righteous fury. The more he called me a paladin, the more I became one. I don't want that. I don't want to judge; I want to help.

But what am I supposed to do when faced with something so evil?

No, not even evil, just really, really mean.

I don't know. I just prayed to Sarenrae to bring me peace, to cleanse me of this fury and to allow me the serenity to think clearly. The next step is to confront this person who hired the mercenaries. Find out what he's doing and why. I don't need to worry about past mistakes, just what I need to do in the future. I just need to keep doing the most good I can and not let him get to me.

I just need to keep going.

June 14, 1294

Yesterday was interesting. I finally reached Lodenburg two days ago and went into the Pink Dragon tavern and I'd barely been there for an hour before bandits came in and raided the place. At least, I thought they were bandits. I tried my best to defend against them, but some of the tavern patrons died. There were 4 other people who were also fighting with me. One was apparently a member of the local police force (or what's left of it), and asked if we could help. The other people(?) were a plant/human contraption named Ainfean, a gnome named Luella, who is apparently an alchemist, and a half-elf named Kaelyn who appears to be a rogue. I'm honestly a little concerned about all of them. The police woman Oahi seems honorable enough, so I gave the reward the innkeeper gave us (for at least trying to defend his tavern) to her to help fund the police force. They apparently are running really low on supplies.

But as for the other people...They all jumped to defend the tavern, which says good things about their character, but I'm more than somewhat concerned. Kaelyn, the rogue, seemed to be mostly using her talents for good, and we did find a use for them in the dungeon -- er, sewer -- we went into. The alchemist really makes me uncomfortable. She seems very concerned about wealth and, well, she's an alchemist. She honestly shows more rogue-like tendencies than Kaelyn does. Her general demeanor of wanting to know what she can gain from any given situation...she reminds me of the merchant. And she keeps talking about the "research" she's doing about the alchemical arts and...It just makes me uneasy. I don't understand why she'd try to tap into that sort of power, and, more importantly, why she's so overt about it. She just screams it as if she's not at all ashamed of it. Like she thinks it's respectable. Doesn't she understand how...unnatural it is? I understand that she wants the power but I just...being power-hungry is not a trait I'd scream to the world. It makes me wonder what else she's hiding if that's what she finds appropriate to display.

Kaelyn seems nice. We roomed together at the guild hall and, despite being a rogue, she hasn't shown any overt signs of greed and she seems to have a good sense of humor. Ainfean is...a plant. A living, humanoid plant. She says she's studying the humans but she doesn't seem to like them much. She's very harsh and...I dunno. She seems very disconnected from society, which I guess is logical for a plant. She seems to be a decent fighter...I'm not sure what else she is. I guess I can't argue with having more brawn in the party. I recognize Kaelyn's talent in battle. Being able to strike the enemy's weakness has helped quite a bit.

The police force asked us to rescue a mother and her son. We progressed through the sewers rather quickly, though I'm still sore from breaking down those doors. I actually beat an iron door until it gave way. When we got to the room with the bandits, the mother screamed out for her son to run and she was immediately stabbed. It was a really difficult fight, and it took just about all of my spells for the day. When we finally rescued him (he seemed to call upon both divine and arcane magic and it was very uncomfortable to see those two in the same being). I didn't notice it at the time, but he was a seafolk too. I tried to talk to him afterward, asking him if I could do anything to help his pain. I tried to tell him how I understood loss and wanted to help but he just acted catatonic. I'm honestly...I'm honestly a little bit upset that he wouldn't even care what I'm showing him a kindness. Doesn't he usually get treated less than that? Does he appreciate at all that I'm trying to treat him like an equal?

The next day, I offered to retrieve his mother's body as we ventured back to clear out the dungeon, so we did that and brought it back to him to do...whatever seafolk do with their dead?

That was the day where most of the odd things happened. We found a bugbear in an oddly tiled room in the sewers along with a room with a huge mural of some gods I didn't recognize. In the last room, we found a swarm of poisonous centipedes, and I was worried because I couldn't figure out any way for me to be able to hit them. Ainfean promptly ran up to the centipedes and starting eating them, screaming something about poison immunity. It was honestly one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen. I honestly don't even remember the rest of that day, but I woke up back in the guild hall. I woke up and most definitely thought it was a dream. I guess it wasn't. Today, we should probably see if there's anything else we can help with. I hope so.

June 4, 1294

...Well that's it. I told him I couldn't give up my calling for him. I told him that if he couldn't accept that, then maybe he wasn't interested in me, just in someone to bear him children. I told him he knew how much being a cleric meant to me and if he couldn't accept that then...we couldn't work out.

It hurt more than anything. Even in that city with the temple, the pain I felt was all...external. I felt guilt for my actions, pity for the lives lost. Nothing really hurt me. 

This did.

This felt like my stomach had been ripped out, my heart cut into pieces and my lungs filled with ice cold water. Everything in the world felt dark and pointless. The one I loved had left me alone. Left me because I wasn't good enough, because I couldn't give up my calling.

...I want to go back, but I know I can't. I know I could never live with myself if I gave up my purpose in life...but do I really want to live without him?

There's a small town to the south. Lodenburg, I think it's called. It shouldn't take much more than a week to get there, and if I do, maybe I can start over. I know I can't stay here. I can't live in his house and see his face every day, and even if I found another home in town...I'd live in constant fear of seeing his face. His wonderful, handsome face...

No...I need to start over. I need to put myself in Sarenrae's hands and trust that she will light my way. I can do good in this world. I can make a difference.

June 3, 1294

I prayed. I spent all day praying. I prayed for Sarenrae to give me an answer, to choose between purpose and love. I prayed for her to show Amer that they didn't have to be different. I prayed for this choice to be taken from me.

I talked to Amer again today and it became clearer and clearer that being a cleric and being his wife were mutually exclusive. He said he would love for me to use my talents at home and about town but not out where it'd be dangerous. But didn't he know this was what I was meant to do? Didn't he fall in love with me when I was doing just this?

Does he really understand what makes me, me...or does he just want a wife?

June 2, 1294

I just got back from Coalfell. I can't believe I forgot my journal here. It was a terrifying sight. It was a goblin attack, just like the one on Burendwae, but the city was much bigger and so was the damage. I barely slept at all during the nights of the raid. Between fighting off invaders and healing the wounded, I was exhausted. Honestly, even after a few days of traveling, I still am. Nevertheless, it was exhilarating. I've never felt more alive than I did those nights. I felt like I was using all of my skills to their limits and like I was really making a difference.

...Which is why I found my conversation with Amer so disturbing. I was telling him about everything that had happened and he smiled along, happy for me. It wasn't until the very end of the story where he said "It's very good that you're so talented, but you know that once we're married, you go on these kinds of trips anymore, right?" I asked him what he meant and he said that after were wed, my role would be a homemaker, to stay at home tending the house and caring for our children (I didn't know we were going to be talking about children so soon). I smiled and told him that of course I wanted that but I needed to be able to go where I was needed. We talked more and he got more and more upset. He said that I was going to be his wife, not some adventurer gallivanting about the countryside. I couldn't be putting myself at risk like this if I was going to be the mother of his children.

I feel so torn. He's right, of course. I can't put my own wants in front of the well-being of our family, but...but this really feels like what I was meant to do.

...But I love him so much.

May 23, 1294

I heard some troubling news today. There's been a major raid on the city of Coalfell many miles to the west. They don't have enough clerics to support them and are begging for outside aid, otherwise they fear their city may fall. Telchim wants me to go. He says I have the most combat training and that Coalfell is still a war zone. It's getting so close to my wedding day and I don't want to leave, but these people need my help...

I talked it over with Amer and he seemed upset. He was worried that if I went, I wouldn't be home in time for the wedding and the food would spoil. I know everyone went through so much trouble trying to get everything set up for the wedding but I can't just leave people to die, can I? I can make a difference, I know I can...

May 14, 1294

Couriers are constantly arriving at our house to bring more things for the wedding. It started about a week ago but has been increasing in frequency ever since. This really looks like it's going to be a lavish event, and while I feel a bit guilty, I couldn't be more excited.

January 19, 1294

It's true! He did! He did propose!

I said yes, of course, and soon it won't be scandalous that we're sharing a bed. Helia couldn't be prouder, and even Geoffrey came home to celebrate. She says she hasn't been this happy since before the incident. I hope I can help this family move on.

I feel like I'm floating on a cloud. Everything is wonderful. I can't believe that less than a year ago I was wishing for death. I can't believe I didn't see all this world had to offer, and all I could offer it. I can do so much good here with my cleric training and Amer makes me so happy. This is truly a start of a new life. A life outside of the cloister, outside of the sequestered little village I used to call home. This is a life I can be proud of.

After much deliberation, it's been decided that we'll get married in June. The sun will make sure the day is long and festive and it should allow enough time for the importing of the special arrangements for the wedding. Amer won't tell me exactly what they are, but it seems to be a family tradition. He tells me it's some food, some flowers, mostly just adornments from his homeland. Apparently Geoffrey and Helia were the first ones in many generations to settle outside the city and Amer still remembers it fondly. It should be a beautiful day.

January 3, 1294

I've been training with the clerics for a few months now. I usually spend every other night at the church and every other night at home, with Amer. He tells me he loves me and I really think we might be wed soon. I have a feeling he means to propose on my birthday. Helia seems overly excited for no reason when she sees the two of us together. I believe she knows.

September 25, 1293

Today a farmer who lives across town , a friend of Geoffrey's, lost his finger in an accident. I ran over to try to help, but I couldn't do much but stop the bleeding. I started to panic until a cleric showed up. He appeared very skilled and calmly took his place next to the farmer. He chanted quietly for about 20 seconds and then, right before my eyes, the finger began to grow back. The entire process took less than 2 minutes and the man was as good as new. I had never noticed the clerics in the village before, but I suppose they must have been there. There's no way I could've handled all of the healing that night. Paladins are hardly even meant for that sort of work.

I stood in awe of the cleric and asked him his name. He said his name was Telchim and he came from a church not too far to the east of here. I asked him if he could teach me that spell and he laughed. He said a woman of my talents was not the kind of woman who could learn healing spells. He said I was too focused on justice and judgment to find the redemption and serenity that clerics value.

I found that funny. Redemption and serenity were what I needed the most.

After a while, I convinced him to take me on as an apprentice. He said it would take a while to get me to unlearn what I had learned as a paladin to be able to truly embrace being a cleric. This made me uncomfortable, but I realized that the more he spoke about paladins and clerics, the more I realized that he was listing every single thing that made me uncomfortable with being a paladin. The judgment, the militant evangelism, the blatant self-righteousness...I didn't need to convert the world, I just needed to help. 

I followed him back to the church. They worshiped Shelyn, but they insisted that I didn't need to to be accepted there. That felt right. For the most part, he just taught me about what it means to be a cleric, but everything he said made me feel more and more at home. It feels like everything is falling into place.

July 1, 1293

Today, when Helia and I were cleaning the house, I told her about my feelings for Amer. I held back on telling her about Amer's feelings for me until I could gauge her reaction, but she seemed thrilled. She'd hoped that her son would fall for someone as kind and upstanding as me. She hugged me and told me that she thought of me like a daughter already and wouldn't mind it being official.

"Official," like marriage. I mean, I suppose. We're both 16; we're both adults. It's not out of the question, is it?

If that were to happen, then I would definitely have to find a way of clipping my toenails.

June 30, 1293

I finally talked to Amer about that night. I told him how frightening everything was but how safe I felt in his arms. I told him how I had feelings for him, and how I hoped it wouldn't make things uncomfortable.

He responded by kissing me. He told me how beautiful I was and how he couldn't believe that I possessed such beauty and such strength. He told me how that night, when tragedy struck and his family was torn apart, he had never felt as much gratitude toward a single person as he felt toward me, for saving him, for trying to save his brother. He had tears in his eyes as he spoke of Nathye, but he just held me close to him.

Should I tell Helia? I don't want her to think that I'm taking advantage of her hospitality by taking advantage of her son, but what if she doesn't approve? Will she kick me out? Where will I go? And how will I see Amer again?

She deserves to know though, I can't keep secrets from her after all she's done for me. It wouldn't be right.

June 19, 1293

Last night, a group, no, a fleet of goblins attacked the city. Usually it was enough for the militia to handle, but they had started to overrun the town, attacking people in the streets. I ran out to help and even Amer had to lend his sword. The goblins weren't very powerful, but there were so many of them. We were overrun.

Everyone with any skill in battle contributed, but there were casualties. Amer was injured and Nathye...poor, little Nathye, got caught in the crossfire as he ran to tell his brother good luck. It struck his heart and I saw it. I ran over to help, but it was too late. I tried laying hands on him. It was the first time I had called on Sarenrae for power since that temple so many months ago. I apparently had not fallen far enough because she answered my prayers. My power healed him, but not enough. I could feel his life slipping away, but I think I eased his pain. He laid his head against my stomach and grabbed the bottom of my shirt, trying to find some comfort and then, slowly, his breathing stopped.

Later that night, Amer caught an arrow to the shoulder. This time, I could still help. I carefully removed the arrow and healed the wound. His arm was stiff but he was no longer bleeding and could still fight. I ran around practically all night, fighting where it was necessary and healing where I could. The last goblin fell just before sunrise and Amer and I collapsed as soon as we returned home.

I don't really remember what happened then, but I remember I woke up with his arms around me. I tried not to think much of it. We were both scared, shaken, and just needed rest and comfort after that long night and nothing...untoward happened.

But still, he felt so warm. His muscles were toned from all the sparring we did and...I never noticed he smelled so good before.

There weren't many boys in the village when I was growing up. Is this...is this what love feels like?

...But this isn't the time to be thinking about that, Nathye's funeral is later today.

March 8, 1293

I've been staying with Helia for a bit over a month now. Nathye is a very energetic young child and I help out by minding him when Geoffrey is away. Amer is almost my age and is looking forward to taking after his father. I've been helping him train and it's keeping my skills sharp while teaching him how to be a better fighter. I help around the house and overall, I think the family likes me being here. I try to earn my keep and we get along very well. Maybe this is what I'm meant to do. It's a very simple life, but it's calm and it keeps people happy.

I think I'm happy too.

February 4, 1293

I finally reached a town. Burendwae, they called it. A woman took me in and gave me water. She offered me a bed in a small room of her house and I hardly remember anything between that and waking up here. She is a very kind woman. Her name is Helia and she has two sons, Nathye and Amer. Her husband, Geoffrey, is a soldier. He protects the town. I'm sure he's never gotten innocent people killed.

Helia says I can stay here until I regain my strength. I'm sure I look like a wreck, like a monster, but she looks on me with kind eyes. I will have to figure out how I can repay her, though nothing seems enough. For now, though, I think I need more rest.

January 31, 1293

In yet another stupid mistake, I failed to stock up on provisions before leaving the town, and there's still no other town in sight. I know that meat comes from animals, but actually doing the deed myself is...repulsive. I feel base. Like an animal. I feel like I know no higher meaning.

This is stupid, of course I know higher meaning. I have the blood of a celestial in my veins and I've spent my life studying with Sarenrae...so why do I feel so low?

I killed a fox today. My strength feels diminished and I was exhausted, so I was less efficient than usual. The fox cried out in pain. I tried to hasten its death and end its suffering but it kept trying to run. I had wounded it and it would die without care, but I needed something to eat. It kept trying to run and I kept trying to end this conflict so we both could be at peace, but I wasn't quick enough. It took so long to die.

I can't even wield death properly. Not without being cruel.

Maybe I will die out here. Maybe this is it. I hope my mistakes haven't caused me to fall from grace. I hope I can still be rewarded in Heaven.

I just want this to be over.

January 26, 1293

She was dead. The innocent blonde girl lay dead on the ground in front of us. The oracle was standing in front of her body, cackling. She looked more like a stereotypical witch then than she did the stereotypical oracle.

I still can't believe that we were so blind, that I was so blind.

The priest charged at her, meaning to take revenge for his fallen sister, but she dispatched him with a bolt of lightning. It was an unholy power, not even one that came from an evil god but...power that came from a lust for power. I remember in that moment being so scared, knowing that I had done wrong but not knowing what was right. Two people lay dead in front of us and all I could think was that I didn't know how I could be so wrong.

Then she spoke again. She thanked us for doing exactly what she wanted and offered us a 2500 gold reward to turn away and never look back. Almost involuntarily, I felt my muscles tighten. This woman was evil and wanted us to walk away, to let her continue whatever her plans were. I looked at the "merchant," afraid that he would be swayed by her offer. I didn't want to kill him, but I knew I would have to if he fought against us. My heart sunk when I heard him agree and saw him walk toward her.

I knew I would have to fight. My first training was as a monk, not as a paladin. I knew how to use my fists to my advantage, but up until then, I'd only faced other humanoids in sparring. I'd only ever killed animals, and even then, only ones that attacked first. I never set out to smite evil. I wanted to protect people from it, to change people's views and ways. I wanted to make the world a better place, and yet there I was, about to fight an old woman with terrible power and a man who up until then had been a companion.

At least I thought so until he pulled out his sword and slashed at her.

She squealed in agony and summoned two serpentfolk to protect her. We all sprung into action. I tried to focus on the serpentfolk, having not come to grips yet with what had happened. The battle was difficult but brief, it couldn't have lasted more than a minute. The merchant landed the final blow on the old woman. Before we knew what had happened, he searched her body for the gold and ran off.

I still can't believe what happened that day. I can't believe how badly I failed at my mission, how many people died because I was careless. Not just were wounded, they died.

Their lives ended because of me. Never will they get to reunite as brother and sister, trade stories about their lives. Never will they get to grow up find spouses and get married. Never will they have another happy moment and it's my fault.

I'm not ready for this. My carelessness has caused too much damage.

And the merchant? He was the only one I really tried to appeal to. I tried to help him see the good in himself but was blind to what he was trying to show me. He didn't trust the old woman and he was right. Maybe he struck her down because he knew he could get the money from her corpse, but he couldn't have known it was on her. What if he struck her down because it was the right thing to do? What if I spent so much time telling him he was wrong and needed to be saved that I couldn't see the very thing I purported to be looking for? What if he only took the money and ran because he felt judged?

What if this is all my fault?

Can I even call this my destiny anymore? If I can't handle these decisions, if I can't make the right judgment calls then what right do I have to call myself a paladin? I want to help people but I've caused so much harm...

...So for now, I am just a monk. I think I will travel until I am far away from this town, to try to find a place where I can actually do some good. Until then, I hope Sarenrae will forgive me.

January 25, 1293

I never thought it would be like this. I never thought it would be so hard and I never thought I'd be so...unsure.

But maybe I should start from the beginning. Maybe that will help me get my thoughts out.

We never arrived in Gorenth. A huge monster attacked the ship and we almost lost everything. The only reason I still found this journal was because it floated in the saltwater. Even so, though, many of the pages were damaged and there's a huge gap between August 22, 1290 and January 18 this year where nothing's even there anymore. I've lost that entire section about my paladin training and that's truly upsetting to me. I feel like I could have found that to be a comfort if I could read over my words, read over how I felt when I felt so secure, but I've lost almost everything from the past two and a half years.

But what's lost is lost.

We all did end up washing up on the shore of a small village, but I can't even remember the name of it right now. The academic was freaking out about the loss of her library and I tried to console her but that wasn't any help. For what it's worth, everyone was surprisingly good in battle. I tried to use that respect to help us gel together in what ended up being a very trying time, but it didn't really seem to have an effect. When we entered the town, there was an oracle down the street, but no one but me seemed to be interested in helping her. The "merchant" wanted to go to the pub, though, so I followed him, concerned about his intentions. We met up with an orc (or maybe a half-orc?) who wanted to go the temple outside of town and wanted to gather a party to go with him because it was apparently dangerous. He ended up convincing the "merchant" to go with him on the promise of payment and a share of the treasure inside. I tried to take this opportunity to witness to him, to explain that there was more to life than money, to explain that there was happiness in helping people. I tried to ask him why he became what he was and what value he got from it. I tried to explain that there was more to life but...he didn't listen.

When we finally talked to the oracle outside, she told us that we needed to go to the temple, that was was pure evil, that we needed to cleanse it. And that there was a blonde-haired girl who...

...I don't even know how to write this. My hand is shaking so badly. I can't believe what we did.

She told us there was a blonde-haired girl who was full of lies and would try to mislead us. She said the girl was not to be let into the temple. We went back to the tavern to find the academic and the rogue there and told them about what the oracle said. The "merchant" didn't trust her but at the time I thought this was my chance. I thought I could really do some good in this town. I cast detect evil on the temple to be sure and there was a horrid aura coming from it. I remember that it felt like it was causing my head to split because it was so strong. Why didn't I realize that it was too strong to come from a source that far away? Why was I so bent on helping that I was too stupid to understand the situation?

...Sarenrae forgive me...

The merchant said that he didn't trust her, that she seemed like a stereotype of an oracle, that he should know because he was one. We all laughed, like he was joking.

We all seem so foolish now.

It was still early in the day, so the five of us all started moving toward the temple, each for his own reasons. Soon after, we found the girl the oracle told us about, a young girl, innocent. She told us about how she had been receiving letters from her brother, that he was in the temple, how much she longed to see him again after all this time. We were distrustful, as we had been warned about her, but she had done nothing to deserve that. She...she just wanted to see her brother and we marked her as an enemy. Was detecting evil at the temple really all I needed to accept the old woman's word?

We told her we'd travel with her but that we would have to keep an eye on her. We treated her like a criminal.

We fought many monsters as we made our way to the temple and we all fought well. When we got to the temple, we told the girl to wait outside, that we'd figure out what was going on inside the temple and bring her brother to her. We went inside and...and the priest was so happy to hear of his sister. He talked about how much he missed her and how much he wanted to tell her...

I can't do this. I can't even see straight through the tears. Maybe I can make sense of this tomorrow.

January 19, 1293

Here I am. I'm on the boat and there's no going back. I mean, the cloister will always be home to me, but there's so much to be done in Gorenth and the surrounding areas that I really feel like this is it. From this moment on, I'm on my own. It's a terrifying thought, but exhilarating at the same time. This is where I start being the change I want to see in the world.

That said, my shipmates concern me. The crew is nice enough, and generally polite to a woman of the cloth, but I'm concerned about the other passengers. There is an academic who's traveling to Gorenth in search of a new book or something and I'm not sure if she's prepared for the depravity that resides there, but she is the least of my concerns. There is also a rogue who appears to be committed to profit, but I believe there's good in her heart. The person I'm most concerned about is this man calling himself a merchant. To be honest, I think he has to be some sort of sellsword. He has a shifty look about him and I can't help but feel like he's the kind of evil that I need to defend against. I don't want to jump right to righteous indignation though. I want to help him find the good inside himself. I want to help people to live a life as happy as mine, not to judge them for their past mistakes. These shipmates are my first flock. I can find a way to lead them to  happiness.

I don't want to come off too strong though; I should try just getting to know them over the next few days. We still have a few weeks left on this ship.

January 18, 1293

I'm officially a fully ordained Paladin of the Church of Sarenrae. Words cannot express how excited I am for this moment. They even have an assignment for me! I'm going to take a ship across the sea to spread Sarenrae's message to the town of Gorenth. I hear there's a lot less law and religion across the sea and I'm excited to try to bring the peace Sarenrae has brought me to other parts of the world. It's exciting, and rare, to have an assignment so early on in my paladinship. I really get to go out on my own and test my skills. Tomorrow, on my 16th birthday, I get to set out to the world on my own. I'm ready for this. I know I am.

August 22, 1290

I think I know what I want to do. I've talked it over with Rina and she thinks it's dangerous, but she agrees. I want to become a paladin. She says that not a lot of people are well-suited for this but I think I am. I can help spread the word of Sarenrae. I can show people the forgiveness and redemption that Sarenrae praises. I can show people how beautiful life is from the side of goodness and truth and light. The world is so dark but I think I can bring Sarenrae's light to it. I really think this is good. I was born with the blood of an outsider in me. I was born good. Everything from my hair to my eyes to my necklace was meant to show off the sun. As a paladin, I'd still be able to heal people like the clerics here but I could also defend against evil. I could bless things and protect others from harm and truly be a champion for what's good in this world. I could save people from evils on the outside and within and I could show people how wonderful it is to follow a loving goddess. I can change the world. Rina says that paladins typically use weapons and armor and such, but given how well I've been doing with my training, she's sure I'd be fine without. I really feel good about this.

August 21, 1290

I can't believe I still have this old thing. I find it actually really funny that the last entry I wrote was about living in the church, because here I am. A few weeks after I wrote that, my mother's friends suggested to her that I start living in the cloister with the sisters. When she told me that, I was excited. It sounded like a vacation. After a while though, they wouldn't let me leave. My mother would come to visit all the time, but I wasn't allowed outside. They told me it was for my safety. I got so upset with my mother for imprisoning me that I stopped talking to her when she came. After a while though, it became okay. I got a lot of time to think, which doesn't sound very fun but I was an odd child. Instead of writing in my journal, I began praying. I talked a lot to Sarenrae and asked her for guidance. If I was born so "special," I asked her how I could use this gift. For a few years, I wanted to be a cleric. A lot of the sisters were clerics and I thought it seemed really cool. I wanted to be able to heal people and get powers from Sarenrae. I thought maybe if I were special enough then we'd get to be real friends. The best part was that clerics could wear armor and defend themselves. If I could train up enough to be a cleric, I'd be allowed into the outside world. However, I was absolutely no good with a morning star. Or a flail. Or a sword. Or a hammer. I kept trying for about a year or so but I never got much better. I always felt so uncomfortable with the armor on weighing me down and restricting my movement.

I asked Rina, my trainer if there was any way to do away with at least the armor and she said there was a way of combat that formed your body into a weapon. The only armor you needed was the ability not to get hit. The only weapons you needed were your hands and feet. Well, she told me I couldn't use my feet. She said she didn't know how to teach what she called "natural weapons" and it was very possible to injure yourself with this sort of combat. She said it required a lot of training and discipline and that it was difficult to master. I wouldn't be as powerful as I could be with a weapon or as well-protected as I could be with armor, but it sounded great. I've been training as a monk now for almost 2 and a half years and it's working out wonderfully. I can dodge most of the hits they throw at me and I can usually land my blows. The best part is that I don't have to worry about injuring anyone with weapons. It's really easy for me to lose control of something that's so separate from my body but this is my body. It's just a part of me and I can move it how I like. I feel empowered. I feel strong. I feel agile. Even though almost everyone here is older than I am, they still get my help when heavy things need to be moved around. The church has become more of a family to me than my mother ever has, and this cloister more of a home.

February 12, 1284

I spent a lot of time at church today. They're really nice to me too but they're always really nice. They told me about how Sarenrae loves us and the fact that I'm different is because she loves me especially. They smile at me and the sisters talk to me if I want to but they leave me alone if I don't. They don't stare as much as people do at home. I think I want to live here, but I'd miss my mommy. I'd still have you though!

February 9, 1284

Journal, you're my best friend. You're the only one who understands me and doesn't think I'm weird. Mommy talked to me today. She said that I'm an aasimar (I asked her how to spell it), which means that one of my great-great-great-great grandparents was an outsider. I think that means like an angel. She told me that she must have been an agatheon (I asked her how to spell that too), which are a group of people that were rewarded with being animals in the afterlife. I asked her if that meant I was a werewolf and she said no. She said that agatheons were only good people and that being an animal was like a reward. I think that's weird. Wouldn't they pick a better reward, like cake? But anyway, mommy says that I'm really, really special. She says that I'm like an owl, that I'm going to be wise and kind and really important. I don't understand why I'd be important just because I can draw pictures with my feet. And she says that what I have on my feet aren't toenails like normal people. She says they're talons like birds. It makes me really sad though because Clair has started treating me weird. I guess mommy told Clair's mommy because she told Clair and now Clair won't stop calling me Fairy because she says I'm magical. She keeps acting really impressed and asking to see my feet some more. Other kids are talking to me too more and it's really weird. I don't understand why everyone's acting so different. I'm the same person. That's why I like you, journal. You don't treat me different or act like I'm weird. I'm still the same person to you.

February 8, 1284

Another person came to our house today. I listened by the door and heard them talking. They kept using the word azima. I don't know what it means but they say I'm one. They say that it's weird that my hair is so shiny, like metal and that my eyes are yellow. They said something else too, I think. About some species that's like animals. I think they said aguhthion. They said they're people who are like animals. Wouldn't that mean I'm like a werewolf? I don't understand but it sounds so scary. I don't want to be a werewolf. I don't feel like an animal. I just want things to be back to normal. I know I could cut my hair but I don't think I could fix my eyes. I want to ask mommy what to do but I'm scared she'll yell at me.

February 6, 1284

I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a while, journal. Weird things have happened ever since I showed mommy my feet. She says they weren't like that when I was little. I told her that they were cool and I drew a sun on the ground. She didn't seem to think it was very cool. After that, there were some people coming into our house and talking to my mommy. They always wanted to look at me and I think they were talking about me. It kept happening for a really long time. Mommy seemed upset so I tried cutting off my toenails. She caught me and yelled at me. She said I was special. She always said I was special but this time she said I was really special. She says it's a good thing but she still seems really upset. And people keep coming around to talk about me. I'm not sure I want to be really special.

January 25, 1284

Clair and I went swimming today and she said my feet were weird. I put them next to hers and her toes looked really different. Her toenails were so short. They didn't even go past her toes. She said it was weird that mine were so long. I asked my mommy to see her feet and hers were short too. I like my feet. I can draw things in the ground and make pictures. Neither of them can do that.

January 19, 1284

Hi journal! My name is Ferrin and I think we're going to be best friends. Today is my 7th birthday. My mommy gave me you as a present. She says that you'll always be here for me and even if you don't talk back, you care about me. I think it'll be fun. I like playing outside and running around. I also like Sarenrae. She's a beautiful goddess that lives in the sky and watches over us. She likes to make sure we're protected and happy. I like her a lot. I want to be as pretty as her someday. My best friend's name is Clair and we like to play a lot at her house. Her older sister has a flute that Clair tried to play and she was really bad. I got it to make a noise though! Her mom was mad because it was really expensive so we put it back. I got in trouble but it was fun.