August 22, 1290

I think I know what I want to do. I've talked it over with Rina and she thinks it's dangerous, but she agrees. I want to become a paladin. She says that not a lot of people are well-suited for this but I think I am. I can help spread the word of Sarenrae. I can show people the forgiveness and redemption that Sarenrae praises. I can show people how beautiful life is from the side of goodness and truth and light. The world is so dark but I think I can bring Sarenrae's light to it. I really think this is good. I was born with the blood of an outsider in me. I was born good. Everything from my hair to my eyes to my necklace was meant to show off the sun. As a paladin, I'd still be able to heal people like the clerics here but I could also defend against evil. I could bless things and protect others from harm and truly be a champion for what's good in this world. I could save people from evils on the outside and within and I could show people how wonderful it is to follow a loving goddess. I can change the world. Rina says that paladins typically use weapons and armor and such, but given how well I've been doing with my training, she's sure I'd be fine without. I really feel good about this.

August 21, 1290

I can't believe I still have this old thing. I find it actually really funny that the last entry I wrote was about living in the church, because here I am. A few weeks after I wrote that, my mother's friends suggested to her that I start living in the cloister with the sisters. When she told me that, I was excited. It sounded like a vacation. After a while though, they wouldn't let me leave. My mother would come to visit all the time, but I wasn't allowed outside. They told me it was for my safety. I got so upset with my mother for imprisoning me that I stopped talking to her when she came. After a while though, it became okay. I got a lot of time to think, which doesn't sound very fun but I was an odd child. Instead of writing in my journal, I began praying. I talked a lot to Sarenrae and asked her for guidance. If I was born so "special," I asked her how I could use this gift. For a few years, I wanted to be a cleric. A lot of the sisters were clerics and I thought it seemed really cool. I wanted to be able to heal people and get powers from Sarenrae. I thought maybe if I were special enough then we'd get to be real friends. The best part was that clerics could wear armor and defend themselves. If I could train up enough to be a cleric, I'd be allowed into the outside world. However, I was absolutely no good with a morning star. Or a flail. Or a sword. Or a hammer. I kept trying for about a year or so but I never got much better. I always felt so uncomfortable with the armor on weighing me down and restricting my movement.

I asked Rina, my trainer if there was any way to do away with at least the armor and she said there was a way of combat that formed your body into a weapon. The only armor you needed was the ability not to get hit. The only weapons you needed were your hands and feet. Well, she told me I couldn't use my feet. She said she didn't know how to teach what she called "natural weapons" and it was very possible to injure yourself with this sort of combat. She said it required a lot of training and discipline and that it was difficult to master. I wouldn't be as powerful as I could be with a weapon or as well-protected as I could be with armor, but it sounded great. I've been training as a monk now for almost 2 and a half years and it's working out wonderfully. I can dodge most of the hits they throw at me and I can usually land my blows. The best part is that I don't have to worry about injuring anyone with weapons. It's really easy for me to lose control of something that's so separate from my body but this is my body. It's just a part of me and I can move it how I like. I feel empowered. I feel strong. I feel agile. Even though almost everyone here is older than I am, they still get my help when heavy things need to be moved around. The church has become more of a family to me than my mother ever has, and this cloister more of a home.

February 12, 1284

I spent a lot of time at church today. They're really nice to me too but they're always really nice. They told me about how Sarenrae loves us and the fact that I'm different is because she loves me especially. They smile at me and the sisters talk to me if I want to but they leave me alone if I don't. They don't stare as much as people do at home. I think I want to live here, but I'd miss my mommy. I'd still have you though!

February 9, 1284

Journal, you're my best friend. You're the only one who understands me and doesn't think I'm weird. Mommy talked to me today. She said that I'm an aasimar (I asked her how to spell it), which means that one of my great-great-great-great grandparents was an outsider. I think that means like an angel. She told me that she must have been an agatheon (I asked her how to spell that too), which are a group of people that were rewarded with being animals in the afterlife. I asked her if that meant I was a werewolf and she said no. She said that agatheons were only good people and that being an animal was like a reward. I think that's weird. Wouldn't they pick a better reward, like cake? But anyway, mommy says that I'm really, really special. She says that I'm like an owl, that I'm going to be wise and kind and really important. I don't understand why I'd be important just because I can draw pictures with my feet. And she says that what I have on my feet aren't toenails like normal people. She says they're talons like birds. It makes me really sad though because Clair has started treating me weird. I guess mommy told Clair's mommy because she told Clair and now Clair won't stop calling me Fairy because she says I'm magical. She keeps acting really impressed and asking to see my feet some more. Other kids are talking to me too more and it's really weird. I don't understand why everyone's acting so different. I'm the same person. That's why I like you, journal. You don't treat me different or act like I'm weird. I'm still the same person to you.

February 8, 1284

Another person came to our house today. I listened by the door and heard them talking. They kept using the word azima. I don't know what it means but they say I'm one. They say that it's weird that my hair is so shiny, like metal and that my eyes are yellow. They said something else too, I think. About some species that's like animals. I think they said aguhthion. They said they're people who are like animals. Wouldn't that mean I'm like a werewolf? I don't understand but it sounds so scary. I don't want to be a werewolf. I don't feel like an animal. I just want things to be back to normal. I know I could cut my hair but I don't think I could fix my eyes. I want to ask mommy what to do but I'm scared she'll yell at me.

February 6, 1284

I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a while, journal. Weird things have happened ever since I showed mommy my feet. She says they weren't like that when I was little. I told her that they were cool and I drew a sun on the ground. She didn't seem to think it was very cool. After that, there were some people coming into our house and talking to my mommy. They always wanted to look at me and I think they were talking about me. It kept happening for a really long time. Mommy seemed upset so I tried cutting off my toenails. She caught me and yelled at me. She said I was special. She always said I was special but this time she said I was really special. She says it's a good thing but she still seems really upset. And people keep coming around to talk about me. I'm not sure I want to be really special.

January 25, 1284

Clair and I went swimming today and she said my feet were weird. I put them next to hers and her toes looked really different. Her toenails were so short. They didn't even go past her toes. She said it was weird that mine were so long. I asked my mommy to see her feet and hers were short too. I like my feet. I can draw things in the ground and make pictures. Neither of them can do that.

January 19, 1284

Hi journal! My name is Ferrin and I think we're going to be best friends. Today is my 7th birthday. My mommy gave me you as a present. She says that you'll always be here for me and even if you don't talk back, you care about me. I think it'll be fun. I like playing outside and running around. I also like Sarenrae. She's a beautiful goddess that lives in the sky and watches over us. She likes to make sure we're protected and happy. I like her a lot. I want to be as pretty as her someday. My best friend's name is Clair and we like to play a lot at her house. Her older sister has a flute that Clair tried to play and she was really bad. I got it to make a noise though! Her mom was mad because it was really expensive so we put it back. I got in trouble but it was fun.