...Well that's it. I told him I couldn't give up my calling for him. I told him that if he couldn't accept that, then maybe he wasn't interested in me, just in someone to bear him children. I told him he knew how much being a cleric meant to me and if he couldn't accept that then...we couldn't work out.
It hurt more than anything. Even in that city with the temple, the pain I felt was all...external. I felt guilt for my actions, pity for the lives lost. Nothing really hurt me.
This did.
This felt like my stomach had been ripped out, my heart cut into pieces and my lungs filled with ice cold water. Everything in the world felt dark and pointless. The one I loved had left me alone. Left me because I wasn't good enough, because I couldn't give up my calling.
...I want to go back, but I know I can't. I know I could never live with myself if I gave up my purpose in life...but do I really want to live without him?
There's a small town to the south. Lodenburg, I think it's called. It shouldn't take much more than a week to get there, and if I do, maybe I can start over. I know I can't stay here. I can't live in his house and see his face every day, and even if I found another home in town...I'd live in constant fear of seeing his face. His wonderful, handsome face...
No...I need to start over. I need to put myself in Sarenrae's hands and trust that she will light my way. I can do good in this world. I can make a difference.
Monday, April 30, 2012
June 3, 1294
I prayed. I spent all day praying. I prayed for Sarenrae to give me an answer, to choose between purpose and love. I prayed for her to show Amer that they didn't have to be different. I prayed for this choice to be taken from me.
I talked to Amer again today and it became clearer and clearer that being a cleric and being his wife were mutually exclusive. He said he would love for me to use my talents at home and about town but not out where it'd be dangerous. But didn't he know this was what I was meant to do? Didn't he fall in love with me when I was doing just this?
Does he really understand what makes me, me...or does he just want a wife?
I talked to Amer again today and it became clearer and clearer that being a cleric and being his wife were mutually exclusive. He said he would love for me to use my talents at home and about town but not out where it'd be dangerous. But didn't he know this was what I was meant to do? Didn't he fall in love with me when I was doing just this?
Does he really understand what makes me, me...or does he just want a wife?
June 2, 1294
I just got back from Coalfell. I can't believe I forgot my journal here. It was a terrifying sight. It was a goblin attack, just like the one on Burendwae, but the city was much bigger and so was the damage. I barely slept at all during the nights of the raid. Between fighting off invaders and healing the wounded, I was exhausted. Honestly, even after a few days of traveling, I still am. Nevertheless, it was exhilarating. I've never felt more alive than I did those nights. I felt like I was using all of my skills to their limits and like I was really making a difference.
...Which is why I found my conversation with Amer so disturbing. I was telling him about everything that had happened and he smiled along, happy for me. It wasn't until the very end of the story where he said "It's very good that you're so talented, but you know that once we're married, you go on these kinds of trips anymore, right?" I asked him what he meant and he said that after were wed, my role would be a homemaker, to stay at home tending the house and caring for our children (I didn't know we were going to be talking about children so soon). I smiled and told him that of course I wanted that but I needed to be able to go where I was needed. We talked more and he got more and more upset. He said that I was going to be his wife, not some adventurer gallivanting about the countryside. I couldn't be putting myself at risk like this if I was going to be the mother of his children.
I feel so torn. He's right, of course. I can't put my own wants in front of the well-being of our family, but...but this really feels like what I was meant to do.
...But I love him so much.
...Which is why I found my conversation with Amer so disturbing. I was telling him about everything that had happened and he smiled along, happy for me. It wasn't until the very end of the story where he said "It's very good that you're so talented, but you know that once we're married, you go on these kinds of trips anymore, right?" I asked him what he meant and he said that after were wed, my role would be a homemaker, to stay at home tending the house and caring for our children (I didn't know we were going to be talking about children so soon). I smiled and told him that of course I wanted that but I needed to be able to go where I was needed. We talked more and he got more and more upset. He said that I was going to be his wife, not some adventurer gallivanting about the countryside. I couldn't be putting myself at risk like this if I was going to be the mother of his children.
I feel so torn. He's right, of course. I can't put my own wants in front of the well-being of our family, but...but this really feels like what I was meant to do.
...But I love him so much.
May 23, 1294
I heard some troubling news today. There's been a major raid on the city of Coalfell many miles to the west. They don't have enough clerics to support them and are begging for outside aid, otherwise they fear their city may fall. Telchim wants me to go. He says I have the most combat training and that Coalfell is still a war zone. It's getting so close to my wedding day and I don't want to leave, but these people need my help...
I talked it over with Amer and he seemed upset. He was worried that if I went, I wouldn't be home in time for the wedding and the food would spoil. I know everyone went through so much trouble trying to get everything set up for the wedding but I can't just leave people to die, can I? I can make a difference, I know I can...
I talked it over with Amer and he seemed upset. He was worried that if I went, I wouldn't be home in time for the wedding and the food would spoil. I know everyone went through so much trouble trying to get everything set up for the wedding but I can't just leave people to die, can I? I can make a difference, I know I can...
May 14, 1294
Couriers are constantly arriving at our house to bring more things for the wedding. It started about a week ago but has been increasing in frequency ever since. This really looks like it's going to be a lavish event, and while I feel a bit guilty, I couldn't be more excited.
January 19, 1294
It's true! He did! He did propose!
I said yes, of course, and soon it won't be scandalous that we're sharing a bed. Helia couldn't be prouder, and even Geoffrey came home to celebrate. She says she hasn't been this happy since before the incident. I hope I can help this family move on.
I feel like I'm floating on a cloud. Everything is wonderful. I can't believe that less than a year ago I was wishing for death. I can't believe I didn't see all this world had to offer, and all I could offer it. I can do so much good here with my cleric training and Amer makes me so happy. This is truly a start of a new life. A life outside of the cloister, outside of the sequestered little village I used to call home. This is a life I can be proud of.
After much deliberation, it's been decided that we'll get married in June. The sun will make sure the day is long and festive and it should allow enough time for the importing of the special arrangements for the wedding. Amer won't tell me exactly what they are, but it seems to be a family tradition. He tells me it's some food, some flowers, mostly just adornments from his homeland. Apparently Geoffrey and Helia were the first ones in many generations to settle outside the city and Amer still remembers it fondly. It should be a beautiful day.
I said yes, of course, and soon it won't be scandalous that we're sharing a bed. Helia couldn't be prouder, and even Geoffrey came home to celebrate. She says she hasn't been this happy since before the incident. I hope I can help this family move on.
I feel like I'm floating on a cloud. Everything is wonderful. I can't believe that less than a year ago I was wishing for death. I can't believe I didn't see all this world had to offer, and all I could offer it. I can do so much good here with my cleric training and Amer makes me so happy. This is truly a start of a new life. A life outside of the cloister, outside of the sequestered little village I used to call home. This is a life I can be proud of.
After much deliberation, it's been decided that we'll get married in June. The sun will make sure the day is long and festive and it should allow enough time for the importing of the special arrangements for the wedding. Amer won't tell me exactly what they are, but it seems to be a family tradition. He tells me it's some food, some flowers, mostly just adornments from his homeland. Apparently Geoffrey and Helia were the first ones in many generations to settle outside the city and Amer still remembers it fondly. It should be a beautiful day.
January 3, 1294
I've been training with the clerics for a few months now. I usually spend every other night at the church and every other night at home, with Amer. He tells me he loves me and I really think we might be wed soon. I have a feeling he means to propose on my birthday. Helia seems overly excited for no reason when she sees the two of us together. I believe she knows.
September 25, 1293
Today a farmer who lives across town , a friend of Geoffrey's, lost his finger in an accident. I ran over to try to help, but I couldn't do much but stop the bleeding. I started to panic until a cleric showed up. He appeared very skilled and calmly took his place next to the farmer. He chanted quietly for about 20 seconds and then, right before my eyes, the finger began to grow back. The entire process took less than 2 minutes and the man was as good as new. I had never noticed the clerics in the village before, but I suppose they must have been there. There's no way I could've handled all of the healing that night. Paladins are hardly even meant for that sort of work.
I stood in awe of the cleric and asked him his name. He said his name was Telchim and he came from a church not too far to the east of here. I asked him if he could teach me that spell and he laughed. He said a woman of my talents was not the kind of woman who could learn healing spells. He said I was too focused on justice and judgment to find the redemption and serenity that clerics value.
I found that funny. Redemption and serenity were what I needed the most.
After a while, I convinced him to take me on as an apprentice. He said it would take a while to get me to unlearn what I had learned as a paladin to be able to truly embrace being a cleric. This made me uncomfortable, but I realized that the more he spoke about paladins and clerics, the more I realized that he was listing every single thing that made me uncomfortable with being a paladin. The judgment, the militant evangelism, the blatant self-righteousness...I didn't need to convert the world, I just needed to help.
I followed him back to the church. They worshiped Shelyn, but they insisted that I didn't need to to be accepted there. That felt right. For the most part, he just taught me about what it means to be a cleric, but everything he said made me feel more and more at home. It feels like everything is falling into place.
July 1, 1293
Today, when Helia and I were cleaning the house, I told her about my feelings for Amer. I held back on telling her about Amer's feelings for me until I could gauge her reaction, but she seemed thrilled. She'd hoped that her son would fall for someone as kind and upstanding as me. She hugged me and told me that she thought of me like a daughter already and wouldn't mind it being official.
"Official," like marriage. I mean, I suppose. We're both 16; we're both adults. It's not out of the question, is it?
If that were to happen, then I would definitely have to find a way of clipping my toenails.
"Official," like marriage. I mean, I suppose. We're both 16; we're both adults. It's not out of the question, is it?
If that were to happen, then I would definitely have to find a way of clipping my toenails.
June 30, 1293
I finally talked to Amer about that night. I told him how frightening everything was but how safe I felt in his arms. I told him how I had feelings for him, and how I hoped it wouldn't make things uncomfortable.
He responded by kissing me. He told me how beautiful I was and how he couldn't believe that I possessed such beauty and such strength. He told me how that night, when tragedy struck and his family was torn apart, he had never felt as much gratitude toward a single person as he felt toward me, for saving him, for trying to save his brother. He had tears in his eyes as he spoke of Nathye, but he just held me close to him.
Should I tell Helia? I don't want her to think that I'm taking advantage of her hospitality by taking advantage of her son, but what if she doesn't approve? Will she kick me out? Where will I go? And how will I see Amer again?
She deserves to know though, I can't keep secrets from her after all she's done for me. It wouldn't be right.
He responded by kissing me. He told me how beautiful I was and how he couldn't believe that I possessed such beauty and such strength. He told me how that night, when tragedy struck and his family was torn apart, he had never felt as much gratitude toward a single person as he felt toward me, for saving him, for trying to save his brother. He had tears in his eyes as he spoke of Nathye, but he just held me close to him.
Should I tell Helia? I don't want her to think that I'm taking advantage of her hospitality by taking advantage of her son, but what if she doesn't approve? Will she kick me out? Where will I go? And how will I see Amer again?
She deserves to know though, I can't keep secrets from her after all she's done for me. It wouldn't be right.
June 19, 1293
Last night, a group, no, a fleet of goblins attacked the city. Usually it was enough for the militia to handle, but they had started to overrun the town, attacking people in the streets. I ran out to help and even Amer had to lend his sword. The goblins weren't very powerful, but there were so many of them. We were overrun.
Everyone with any skill in battle contributed, but there were casualties. Amer was injured and Nathye...poor, little Nathye, got caught in the crossfire as he ran to tell his brother good luck. It struck his heart and I saw it. I ran over to help, but it was too late. I tried laying hands on him. It was the first time I had called on Sarenrae for power since that temple so many months ago. I apparently had not fallen far enough because she answered my prayers. My power healed him, but not enough. I could feel his life slipping away, but I think I eased his pain. He laid his head against my stomach and grabbed the bottom of my shirt, trying to find some comfort and then, slowly, his breathing stopped.
Later that night, Amer caught an arrow to the shoulder. This time, I could still help. I carefully removed the arrow and healed the wound. His arm was stiff but he was no longer bleeding and could still fight. I ran around practically all night, fighting where it was necessary and healing where I could. The last goblin fell just before sunrise and Amer and I collapsed as soon as we returned home.
I don't really remember what happened then, but I remember I woke up with his arms around me. I tried not to think much of it. We were both scared, shaken, and just needed rest and comfort after that long night and nothing...untoward happened.
But still, he felt so warm. His muscles were toned from all the sparring we did and...I never noticed he smelled so good before.
There weren't many boys in the village when I was growing up. Is this...is this what love feels like?
...But this isn't the time to be thinking about that, Nathye's funeral is later today.
Everyone with any skill in battle contributed, but there were casualties. Amer was injured and Nathye...poor, little Nathye, got caught in the crossfire as he ran to tell his brother good luck. It struck his heart and I saw it. I ran over to help, but it was too late. I tried laying hands on him. It was the first time I had called on Sarenrae for power since that temple so many months ago. I apparently had not fallen far enough because she answered my prayers. My power healed him, but not enough. I could feel his life slipping away, but I think I eased his pain. He laid his head against my stomach and grabbed the bottom of my shirt, trying to find some comfort and then, slowly, his breathing stopped.
Later that night, Amer caught an arrow to the shoulder. This time, I could still help. I carefully removed the arrow and healed the wound. His arm was stiff but he was no longer bleeding and could still fight. I ran around practically all night, fighting where it was necessary and healing where I could. The last goblin fell just before sunrise and Amer and I collapsed as soon as we returned home.
I don't really remember what happened then, but I remember I woke up with his arms around me. I tried not to think much of it. We were both scared, shaken, and just needed rest and comfort after that long night and nothing...untoward happened.
But still, he felt so warm. His muscles were toned from all the sparring we did and...I never noticed he smelled so good before.
There weren't many boys in the village when I was growing up. Is this...is this what love feels like?
...But this isn't the time to be thinking about that, Nathye's funeral is later today.
March 8, 1293
I've been staying with Helia for a bit over a month now. Nathye is a very energetic young child and I help out by minding him when Geoffrey is away. Amer is almost my age and is looking forward to taking after his father. I've been helping him train and it's keeping my skills sharp while teaching him how to be a better fighter. I help around the house and overall, I think the family likes me being here. I try to earn my keep and we get along very well. Maybe this is what I'm meant to do. It's a very simple life, but it's calm and it keeps people happy.
I think I'm happy too.
I think I'm happy too.
February 4, 1293
I finally reached a town. Burendwae, they called it. A woman took me in and gave me water. She offered me a bed in a small room of her house and I hardly remember anything between that and waking up here. She is a very kind woman. Her name is Helia and she has two sons, Nathye and Amer. Her husband, Geoffrey, is a soldier. He protects the town. I'm sure he's never gotten innocent people killed.
Helia says I can stay here until I regain my strength. I'm sure I look like a wreck, like a monster, but she looks on me with kind eyes. I will have to figure out how I can repay her, though nothing seems enough. For now, though, I think I need more rest.
Helia says I can stay here until I regain my strength. I'm sure I look like a wreck, like a monster, but she looks on me with kind eyes. I will have to figure out how I can repay her, though nothing seems enough. For now, though, I think I need more rest.
January 31, 1293
In yet another stupid mistake, I failed to stock up on provisions before leaving the town, and there's still no other town in sight. I know that meat comes from animals, but actually doing the deed myself is...repulsive. I feel base. Like an animal. I feel like I know no higher meaning.
This is stupid, of course I know higher meaning. I have the blood of a celestial in my veins and I've spent my life studying with Sarenrae...so why do I feel so low?
I killed a fox today. My strength feels diminished and I was exhausted, so I was less efficient than usual. The fox cried out in pain. I tried to hasten its death and end its suffering but it kept trying to run. I had wounded it and it would die without care, but I needed something to eat. It kept trying to run and I kept trying to end this conflict so we both could be at peace, but I wasn't quick enough. It took so long to die.
I can't even wield death properly. Not without being cruel.
Maybe I will die out here. Maybe this is it. I hope my mistakes haven't caused me to fall from grace. I hope I can still be rewarded in Heaven.
I just want this to be over.
This is stupid, of course I know higher meaning. I have the blood of a celestial in my veins and I've spent my life studying with Sarenrae...so why do I feel so low?
I killed a fox today. My strength feels diminished and I was exhausted, so I was less efficient than usual. The fox cried out in pain. I tried to hasten its death and end its suffering but it kept trying to run. I had wounded it and it would die without care, but I needed something to eat. It kept trying to run and I kept trying to end this conflict so we both could be at peace, but I wasn't quick enough. It took so long to die.
I can't even wield death properly. Not without being cruel.
Maybe I will die out here. Maybe this is it. I hope my mistakes haven't caused me to fall from grace. I hope I can still be rewarded in Heaven.
I just want this to be over.
January 26, 1293
She was dead. The innocent blonde girl lay dead on the ground in front of us. The oracle was standing in front of her body, cackling. She looked more like a stereotypical witch then than she did the stereotypical oracle.
I still can't believe that we were so blind, that I was so blind.
The priest charged at her, meaning to take revenge for his fallen sister, but she dispatched him with a bolt of lightning. It was an unholy power, not even one that came from an evil god but...power that came from a lust for power. I remember in that moment being so scared, knowing that I had done wrong but not knowing what was right. Two people lay dead in front of us and all I could think was that I didn't know how I could be so wrong.
Then she spoke again. She thanked us for doing exactly what she wanted and offered us a 2500 gold reward to turn away and never look back. Almost involuntarily, I felt my muscles tighten. This woman was evil and wanted us to walk away, to let her continue whatever her plans were. I looked at the "merchant," afraid that he would be swayed by her offer. I didn't want to kill him, but I knew I would have to if he fought against us. My heart sunk when I heard him agree and saw him walk toward her.
I knew I would have to fight. My first training was as a monk, not as a paladin. I knew how to use my fists to my advantage, but up until then, I'd only faced other humanoids in sparring. I'd only ever killed animals, and even then, only ones that attacked first. I never set out to smite evil. I wanted to protect people from it, to change people's views and ways. I wanted to make the world a better place, and yet there I was, about to fight an old woman with terrible power and a man who up until then had been a companion.
At least I thought so until he pulled out his sword and slashed at her.
She squealed in agony and summoned two serpentfolk to protect her. We all sprung into action. I tried to focus on the serpentfolk, having not come to grips yet with what had happened. The battle was difficult but brief, it couldn't have lasted more than a minute. The merchant landed the final blow on the old woman. Before we knew what had happened, he searched her body for the gold and ran off.
I still can't believe what happened that day. I can't believe how badly I failed at my mission, how many people died because I was careless. Not just were wounded, they died.
Their lives ended because of me. Never will they get to reunite as brother and sister, trade stories about their lives. Never will they get to grow up find spouses and get married. Never will they have another happy moment and it's my fault.
I'm not ready for this. My carelessness has caused too much damage.
And the merchant? He was the only one I really tried to appeal to. I tried to help him see the good in himself but was blind to what he was trying to show me. He didn't trust the old woman and he was right. Maybe he struck her down because he knew he could get the money from her corpse, but he couldn't have known it was on her. What if he struck her down because it was the right thing to do? What if I spent so much time telling him he was wrong and needed to be saved that I couldn't see the very thing I purported to be looking for? What if he only took the money and ran because he felt judged?
What if this is all my fault?
Can I even call this my destiny anymore? If I can't handle these decisions, if I can't make the right judgment calls then what right do I have to call myself a paladin? I want to help people but I've caused so much harm...
...So for now, I am just a monk. I think I will travel until I am far away from this town, to try to find a place where I can actually do some good. Until then, I hope Sarenrae will forgive me.
I still can't believe that we were so blind, that I was so blind.
The priest charged at her, meaning to take revenge for his fallen sister, but she dispatched him with a bolt of lightning. It was an unholy power, not even one that came from an evil god but...power that came from a lust for power. I remember in that moment being so scared, knowing that I had done wrong but not knowing what was right. Two people lay dead in front of us and all I could think was that I didn't know how I could be so wrong.
Then she spoke again. She thanked us for doing exactly what she wanted and offered us a 2500 gold reward to turn away and never look back. Almost involuntarily, I felt my muscles tighten. This woman was evil and wanted us to walk away, to let her continue whatever her plans were. I looked at the "merchant," afraid that he would be swayed by her offer. I didn't want to kill him, but I knew I would have to if he fought against us. My heart sunk when I heard him agree and saw him walk toward her.
I knew I would have to fight. My first training was as a monk, not as a paladin. I knew how to use my fists to my advantage, but up until then, I'd only faced other humanoids in sparring. I'd only ever killed animals, and even then, only ones that attacked first. I never set out to smite evil. I wanted to protect people from it, to change people's views and ways. I wanted to make the world a better place, and yet there I was, about to fight an old woman with terrible power and a man who up until then had been a companion.
At least I thought so until he pulled out his sword and slashed at her.
She squealed in agony and summoned two serpentfolk to protect her. We all sprung into action. I tried to focus on the serpentfolk, having not come to grips yet with what had happened. The battle was difficult but brief, it couldn't have lasted more than a minute. The merchant landed the final blow on the old woman. Before we knew what had happened, he searched her body for the gold and ran off.
I still can't believe what happened that day. I can't believe how badly I failed at my mission, how many people died because I was careless. Not just were wounded, they died.
Their lives ended because of me. Never will they get to reunite as brother and sister, trade stories about their lives. Never will they get to grow up find spouses and get married. Never will they have another happy moment and it's my fault.
I'm not ready for this. My carelessness has caused too much damage.
And the merchant? He was the only one I really tried to appeal to. I tried to help him see the good in himself but was blind to what he was trying to show me. He didn't trust the old woman and he was right. Maybe he struck her down because he knew he could get the money from her corpse, but he couldn't have known it was on her. What if he struck her down because it was the right thing to do? What if I spent so much time telling him he was wrong and needed to be saved that I couldn't see the very thing I purported to be looking for? What if he only took the money and ran because he felt judged?
What if this is all my fault?
Can I even call this my destiny anymore? If I can't handle these decisions, if I can't make the right judgment calls then what right do I have to call myself a paladin? I want to help people but I've caused so much harm...
...So for now, I am just a monk. I think I will travel until I am far away from this town, to try to find a place where I can actually do some good. Until then, I hope Sarenrae will forgive me.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
January 25, 1293
I never thought it would be like this. I never thought it would be so hard and I never thought I'd be so...unsure.
But maybe I should start from the beginning. Maybe that will help me get my thoughts out.
We never arrived in Gorenth. A huge monster attacked the ship and we almost lost everything. The only reason I still found this journal was because it floated in the saltwater. Even so, though, many of the pages were damaged and there's a huge gap between August 22, 1290 and January 18 this year where nothing's even there anymore. I've lost that entire section about my paladin training and that's truly upsetting to me. I feel like I could have found that to be a comfort if I could read over my words, read over how I felt when I felt so secure, but I've lost almost everything from the past two and a half years.
But what's lost is lost.
We all did end up washing up on the shore of a small village, but I can't even remember the name of it right now. The academic was freaking out about the loss of her library and I tried to console her but that wasn't any help. For what it's worth, everyone was surprisingly good in battle. I tried to use that respect to help us gel together in what ended up being a very trying time, but it didn't really seem to have an effect. When we entered the town, there was an oracle down the street, but no one but me seemed to be interested in helping her. The "merchant" wanted to go to the pub, though, so I followed him, concerned about his intentions. We met up with an orc (or maybe a half-orc?) who wanted to go the temple outside of town and wanted to gather a party to go with him because it was apparently dangerous. He ended up convincing the "merchant" to go with him on the promise of payment and a share of the treasure inside. I tried to take this opportunity to witness to him, to explain that there was more to life than money, to explain that there was happiness in helping people. I tried to ask him why he became what he was and what value he got from it. I tried to explain that there was more to life but...he didn't listen.
When we finally talked to the oracle outside, she told us that we needed to go to the temple, that was was pure evil, that we needed to cleanse it. And that there was a blonde-haired girl who...
...I don't even know how to write this. My hand is shaking so badly. I can't believe what we did.
She told us there was a blonde-haired girl who was full of lies and would try to mislead us. She said the girl was not to be let into the temple. We went back to the tavern to find the academic and the rogue there and told them about what the oracle said. The "merchant" didn't trust her but at the time I thought this was my chance. I thought I could really do some good in this town. I cast detect evil on the temple to be sure and there was a horrid aura coming from it. I remember that it felt like it was causing my head to split because it was so strong. Why didn't I realize that it was too strong to come from a source that far away? Why was I so bent on helping that I was too stupid to understand the situation?
...Sarenrae forgive me...
The merchant said that he didn't trust her, that she seemed like a stereotype of an oracle, that he should know because he was one. We all laughed, like he was joking.
We all seem so foolish now.
It was still early in the day, so the five of us all started moving toward the temple, each for his own reasons. Soon after, we found the girl the oracle told us about, a young girl, innocent. She told us about how she had been receiving letters from her brother, that he was in the temple, how much she longed to see him again after all this time. We were distrustful, as we had been warned about her, but she had done nothing to deserve that. She...she just wanted to see her brother and we marked her as an enemy. Was detecting evil at the temple really all I needed to accept the old woman's word?
We told her we'd travel with her but that we would have to keep an eye on her. We treated her like a criminal.
We fought many monsters as we made our way to the temple and we all fought well. When we got to the temple, we told the girl to wait outside, that we'd figure out what was going on inside the temple and bring her brother to her. We went inside and...and the priest was so happy to hear of his sister. He talked about how much he missed her and how much he wanted to tell her...
I can't do this. I can't even see straight through the tears. Maybe I can make sense of this tomorrow.
But maybe I should start from the beginning. Maybe that will help me get my thoughts out.
We never arrived in Gorenth. A huge monster attacked the ship and we almost lost everything. The only reason I still found this journal was because it floated in the saltwater. Even so, though, many of the pages were damaged and there's a huge gap between August 22, 1290 and January 18 this year where nothing's even there anymore. I've lost that entire section about my paladin training and that's truly upsetting to me. I feel like I could have found that to be a comfort if I could read over my words, read over how I felt when I felt so secure, but I've lost almost everything from the past two and a half years.
But what's lost is lost.
We all did end up washing up on the shore of a small village, but I can't even remember the name of it right now. The academic was freaking out about the loss of her library and I tried to console her but that wasn't any help. For what it's worth, everyone was surprisingly good in battle. I tried to use that respect to help us gel together in what ended up being a very trying time, but it didn't really seem to have an effect. When we entered the town, there was an oracle down the street, but no one but me seemed to be interested in helping her. The "merchant" wanted to go to the pub, though, so I followed him, concerned about his intentions. We met up with an orc (or maybe a half-orc?) who wanted to go the temple outside of town and wanted to gather a party to go with him because it was apparently dangerous. He ended up convincing the "merchant" to go with him on the promise of payment and a share of the treasure inside. I tried to take this opportunity to witness to him, to explain that there was more to life than money, to explain that there was happiness in helping people. I tried to ask him why he became what he was and what value he got from it. I tried to explain that there was more to life but...he didn't listen.
When we finally talked to the oracle outside, she told us that we needed to go to the temple, that was was pure evil, that we needed to cleanse it. And that there was a blonde-haired girl who...
...I don't even know how to write this. My hand is shaking so badly. I can't believe what we did.
She told us there was a blonde-haired girl who was full of lies and would try to mislead us. She said the girl was not to be let into the temple. We went back to the tavern to find the academic and the rogue there and told them about what the oracle said. The "merchant" didn't trust her but at the time I thought this was my chance. I thought I could really do some good in this town. I cast detect evil on the temple to be sure and there was a horrid aura coming from it. I remember that it felt like it was causing my head to split because it was so strong. Why didn't I realize that it was too strong to come from a source that far away? Why was I so bent on helping that I was too stupid to understand the situation?
...Sarenrae forgive me...
The merchant said that he didn't trust her, that she seemed like a stereotype of an oracle, that he should know because he was one. We all laughed, like he was joking.
We all seem so foolish now.
It was still early in the day, so the five of us all started moving toward the temple, each for his own reasons. Soon after, we found the girl the oracle told us about, a young girl, innocent. She told us about how she had been receiving letters from her brother, that he was in the temple, how much she longed to see him again after all this time. We were distrustful, as we had been warned about her, but she had done nothing to deserve that. She...she just wanted to see her brother and we marked her as an enemy. Was detecting evil at the temple really all I needed to accept the old woman's word?
We told her we'd travel with her but that we would have to keep an eye on her. We treated her like a criminal.
We fought many monsters as we made our way to the temple and we all fought well. When we got to the temple, we told the girl to wait outside, that we'd figure out what was going on inside the temple and bring her brother to her. We went inside and...and the priest was so happy to hear of his sister. He talked about how much he missed her and how much he wanted to tell her...
I can't do this. I can't even see straight through the tears. Maybe I can make sense of this tomorrow.
January 19, 1293
Here I am. I'm on the boat and there's no going back. I mean, the cloister will always be home to me, but there's so much to be done in Gorenth and the surrounding areas that I really feel like this is it. From this moment on, I'm on my own. It's a terrifying thought, but exhilarating at the same time. This is where I start being the change I want to see in the world.
That said, my shipmates concern me. The crew is nice enough, and generally polite to a woman of the cloth, but I'm concerned about the other passengers. There is an academic who's traveling to Gorenth in search of a new book or something and I'm not sure if she's prepared for the depravity that resides there, but she is the least of my concerns. There is also a rogue who appears to be committed to profit, but I believe there's good in her heart. The person I'm most concerned about is this man calling himself a merchant. To be honest, I think he has to be some sort of sellsword. He has a shifty look about him and I can't help but feel like he's the kind of evil that I need to defend against. I don't want to jump right to righteous indignation though. I want to help him find the good inside himself. I want to help people to live a life as happy as mine, not to judge them for their past mistakes. These shipmates are my first flock. I can find a way to lead them to happiness.
I don't want to come off too strong though; I should try just getting to know them over the next few days. We still have a few weeks left on this ship.
That said, my shipmates concern me. The crew is nice enough, and generally polite to a woman of the cloth, but I'm concerned about the other passengers. There is an academic who's traveling to Gorenth in search of a new book or something and I'm not sure if she's prepared for the depravity that resides there, but she is the least of my concerns. There is also a rogue who appears to be committed to profit, but I believe there's good in her heart. The person I'm most concerned about is this man calling himself a merchant. To be honest, I think he has to be some sort of sellsword. He has a shifty look about him and I can't help but feel like he's the kind of evil that I need to defend against. I don't want to jump right to righteous indignation though. I want to help him find the good inside himself. I want to help people to live a life as happy as mine, not to judge them for their past mistakes. These shipmates are my first flock. I can find a way to lead them to happiness.
I don't want to come off too strong though; I should try just getting to know them over the next few days. We still have a few weeks left on this ship.
January 18, 1293
I'm officially a fully ordained Paladin of the Church of Sarenrae. Words cannot express how excited I am for this moment. They even have an assignment for me! I'm going to take a ship across the sea to spread Sarenrae's message to the town of Gorenth. I hear there's a lot less law and religion across the sea and I'm excited to try to bring the peace Sarenrae has brought me to other parts of the world. It's exciting, and rare, to have an assignment so early on in my paladinship. I really get to go out on my own and test my skills. Tomorrow, on my 16th birthday, I get to set out to the world on my own. I'm ready for this. I know I am.
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