She was dead. The innocent blonde girl lay dead on the ground in front of us. The oracle was standing in front of her body, cackling. She looked more like a stereotypical witch then than she did the stereotypical oracle.
I still can't believe that we were so blind, that I was so blind.
The priest charged at her, meaning to take revenge for his fallen sister, but she dispatched him with a bolt of lightning. It was an unholy power, not even one that came from an evil god but...power that came from a lust for power. I remember in that moment being so scared, knowing that I had done wrong but not knowing what was right. Two people lay dead in front of us and all I could think was that I didn't know how I could be so wrong.
Then she spoke again. She thanked us for doing exactly what she wanted and offered us a 2500 gold reward to turn away and never look back. Almost involuntarily, I felt my muscles tighten. This woman was evil and wanted us to walk away, to let her continue whatever her plans were. I looked at the "merchant," afraid that he would be swayed by her offer. I didn't want to kill him, but I knew I would have to if he fought against us. My heart sunk when I heard him agree and saw him walk toward her.
I knew I would have to fight. My first training was as a monk, not as a paladin. I knew how to use my fists to my advantage, but up until then, I'd only faced other humanoids in sparring. I'd only ever killed animals, and even then, only ones that attacked first. I never set out to smite evil. I wanted to protect people from it, to change people's views and ways. I wanted to make the world a better place, and yet there I was, about to fight an old woman with terrible power and a man who up until then had been a companion.
At least I thought so until he pulled out his sword and slashed at her.
She squealed in agony and summoned two serpentfolk to protect her. We all sprung into action. I tried to focus on the serpentfolk, having not come to grips yet with what had happened. The battle was difficult but brief, it couldn't have lasted more than a minute. The merchant landed the final blow on the old woman. Before we knew what had happened, he searched her body for the gold and ran off.
I still can't believe what happened that day. I can't believe how badly I failed at my mission, how many people died because I was careless. Not just were wounded, they died.
Their lives ended because of me. Never will they get to reunite as brother and sister, trade stories about their lives. Never will they get to grow up find spouses and get married. Never will they have another happy moment and it's my fault.
I'm not ready for this. My carelessness has caused too much damage.
And the merchant? He was the only one I really tried to appeal to. I tried to help him see the good in himself but was blind to what he was trying to show me. He didn't trust the old woman and he was right. Maybe he struck her down because he knew he could get the money from her corpse, but he couldn't have known it was on her. What if he struck her down because it was the right thing to do? What if I spent so much time telling him he was wrong and needed to be saved that I couldn't see the very thing I purported to be looking for? What if he only took the money and ran because he felt judged?
What if this is all my fault?
Can I even call this my destiny anymore? If I can't handle these decisions, if I can't make the right judgment calls then what right do I have to call myself a paladin? I want to help people but I've caused so much harm...
...So for now, I am just a monk. I think I will travel until I am far away from this town, to try to find a place where I can actually do some good. Until then, I hope Sarenrae will forgive me.
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