I just got back from Coalfell. I can't believe I forgot my journal here. It was a terrifying sight. It was a goblin attack, just like the one on Burendwae, but the city was much bigger and so was the damage. I barely slept at all during the nights of the raid. Between fighting off invaders and healing the wounded, I was exhausted. Honestly, even after a few days of traveling, I still am. Nevertheless, it was exhilarating. I've never felt more alive than I did those nights. I felt like I was using all of my skills to their limits and like I was really making a difference.
...Which is why I found my conversation with Amer so disturbing. I was telling him about everything that had happened and he smiled along, happy for me. It wasn't until the very end of the story where he said "It's very good that you're so talented, but you know that once we're married, you go on these kinds of trips anymore, right?" I asked him what he meant and he said that after were wed, my role would be a homemaker, to stay at home tending the house and caring for our children (I didn't know we were going to be talking about children so soon). I smiled and told him that of course I wanted that but I needed to be able to go where I was needed. We talked more and he got more and more upset. He said that I was going to be his wife, not some adventurer gallivanting about the countryside. I couldn't be putting myself at risk like this if I was going to be the mother of his children.
I feel so torn. He's right, of course. I can't put my own wants in front of the well-being of our family, but...but this really feels like what I was meant to do.
...But I love him so much.
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