...Well that's it. I told him I couldn't give up my calling for him. I told him that if he couldn't accept that, then maybe he wasn't interested in me, just in someone to bear him children. I told him he knew how much being a cleric meant to me and if he couldn't accept that then...we couldn't work out.
It hurt more than anything. Even in that city with the temple, the pain I felt was all...external. I felt guilt for my actions, pity for the lives lost. Nothing really hurt me.
This did.
This felt like my stomach had been ripped out, my heart cut into pieces and my lungs filled with ice cold water. Everything in the world felt dark and pointless. The one I loved had left me alone. Left me because I wasn't good enough, because I couldn't give up my calling.
...I want to go back, but I know I can't. I know I could never live with myself if I gave up my purpose in life...but do I really want to live without him?
There's a small town to the south. Lodenburg, I think it's called. It shouldn't take much more than a week to get there, and if I do, maybe I can start over. I know I can't stay here. I can't live in his house and see his face every day, and even if I found another home in town...I'd live in constant fear of seeing his face. His wonderful, handsome face...
No...I need to start over. I need to put myself in Sarenrae's hands and trust that she will light my way. I can do good in this world. I can make a difference.
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