June 15, 1294

Our mission for yesterday was to clear out a temple outside of the city. Mercenaries had apparently been raiding the town and they wanted help clearing them out. We bought Luella a morning star from the blacksmith in the guild, whose name I believe was Frarin, oddly enough, and headed out. Before we were able to leave though, we came across these two groups of religious zealots accusing each other of some pretty heinous things. I mean, one group was accusing the other of raiding the village and the other was accusing the first of kidnapping citizens and it was all terrible. I recognized the gods they were screaming about and realized that they were both good. Iomedae and Cayden Cailean, I believe. I think I sort of shamed them into walking away. I didn't mean to, exactly, but they just...they made me so mad. Doing horrible things to other people or accusing other people of doing them...neither of their gods would approve. Being good is being kind and being accepting, going out of your way to help people and putting the needs of others before your own. They weren't followers of Sarenrae but I felt like by using the names of their gods as curses that they were besmirching the entire alignment.

After I went off on them, both groups just sort of mumbled and walked away. I guess they figured they didn't have much of a leg to stand on but after they left, we noticed a map fall from one of their pockets. It looked fairly keep-like so we kept it, in the hopes that it would help us navigate later.

When we arrived at the keep, sure enough, it seemed to match the symmetrical four-towered map we had, so we went in. Even with a map, the place was huge and took forever to search. It was filled with blocked doors that I couldn't break and we could hardly damage without the help of Luella's bombs. There was a blown-up hole in the wall later in the keep and I made a comment about alchemists that Luella heard. She was really upset with me (and channeling positive energy did not help), and I really didn't know what to do. Alchemists are terrors. They capture arcane energy with the intention of channeling it toward destruction. The worst part is that that's the only thing they can do to the outside world. They can prepare extracts but only they could use them. Any help they could do in the form of healing spells or protection is limited solely to saving their own skin.  Sure it makes them self-sufficient, but at the price of tapping into arcane power the gods clearly didn't want them to have. They can't create; they can only destroy.

I'm guessing Luella is still mad at me. I guess I would be too. I don't understand why someone would do that with their life, be so selfish, so...why would you dedicate your life to tearing things down? Without adding anything to this world?

I don't understand her, and I don't like her choices, but she's in this with me and I have to keep peace. I really don't know what else to do.

So we kept exploring the keep, trying not to get distracted by intra-party drama. We were trying to be careful, so everyone would search the room for traps and then either Luella or Kaelyn would try to disarm it (I guess Luella has rogue talents as well), but we weren't good enough to find one in particular because as I stepped through a doorway, I felt the ground disappear beneath my feet, then falling, then immense pain, then nothing. It felt like I was sinking into the stone floor, ceasing to be, until I was being force fed a potion. I choked a bit, but it was enough to get me back on my feet, and I drank another to fully restore my consciousness. I was worried about how to get out of this 60 foot pit I found myself in, but I think I was delirious from the pain or on an adrenaline high or something, because I don't remember anything between worrying how I was going to get out and suddenly being back on the surface.

Eventually, after being faced with a near-death experience and so many stuck doors and not enough bombs, we decided to rest for the night. Ainfean was supposed to be awake and on watch so the rest of us could sleep but during the night someone stole all of our possessions, including the ones off the mule! Luella was furious about her reagents being stolen, which I guess is a detriment to having power stored in something other than your relationship with a deity.

Well, not all of our possessions. I guess my bag looked too worn to be worth anything, or maybe it blended in with the dirt in the night, but it was still there. It was lucky it was too, since none of us had eaten since breakfast yesterday and there is no use fighting on an empty stomach. I gave everyone rations from my bag (including Luella, who's still mad at me; and Ainfean, who apparently still needs to eat despite being a plant) and we went back into the keep. Devoid of Luella's bombs, it didn't look like we were going to be able to progress very far, but most of the doors that were stuck yesterday appeared to be open today. We explored the rest of the keep, desperately trying to be more careful than yesterday. Kaelyn only set off one trap while trying to disarm it, and it dropped her down 10 feet, which just seems quaint now.

There was a room with a well in the corner which I looked at, and it appeared to have little rocks floating in it. I thought that was odd, so I picked them up and showed them to everyone else. Eventually, someone figured out that you could open them and they had a single gold piece inside. It was so odd that I couldn't help but keep it, even though I really don't have need for gold. I guess as a reminder that value can be found in unlikely places.

There was also a room with an idol that radiated evil (even if I can't detect it anymore), which everyone just wanted to leave alone, except Ainfean, who thought it was a good idea to take it along with us. We all followed behind her at a distance, sending her into rooms first after that. Now it strikes me as terribly cowardly and unfair to Ainfean, but...her choice put her sort of at odds with the rest of the group. We weren't comfortable with her carrying that around and we didn't want to be involved in the consequences. Eventually, there was an altar that also looked dark and foreboding, so Ainfean decided to put the idol on the altar. I didn't see exactly what happened since I believe the rest of us were hiding in the corridor, but apparently the idol melted away and was replaced by a necklace of fireballs. I wasn't comfortable with this unholy gift, but Luella appraised it to be about 1100 gp and the rest of the party determined it was worth keeping.

We kept searching and as we finally got to the last room, we found them.

There was a nondescript rogue in the corner, but my eye caught on the very, very distinctive ifrit in the center of the room.

It was the merchant.

I barely remember what happened. I remember him taunting me, calling me a paladin, acting like I'd been lying to my party. It made me so full of rage all I could think of was that he was beyond redemption. I tried to see the good in him and he threw it all in my face. He wanted to work for us (for a weekly stipend, of course), which I sharply said no to. Never was I going to work with someone whose loyalty could be bought with coin. Then he offered to sell the information, but it wouldn't come cheaply: 1000 gp.

Then Ainfean did something I'll probably never forget. She walked over to him and asked him to examine the necklace, said it was worth about 1100 gp. I expected she was going to offer it to him, which worried me, because how can you trust information extorted through money, but then:

"And I won't fry you with these fireballs if you give us the information."

I wanted to hug her. I know it was wrong. It's not lawful and it's certainly not good, but at least she wasn't playing their games.

Negotiations continued until it became quite obvious that the rogue and Kaelyn knew each other, from childhood, I think. I think they were hashing out some old conflicts (I wasn't really listening), when the rogue (Selyna? I think?) "let it slip" that Kaelyn was a sorcerer.

Immediately, I know I reacted strongly, but then I think my brain short-circuited. I didn't have enough time to process how I felt on that yet. I liked Kaelyn.

Vic (because that's apparently his name) continued taunting me and I just...I wanted him dead. I wanted to see him brought to justice for the wrongs he had done. The city had asked us to take care of the mercenaries and I wanted to have that done. I wanted to punish those who were harming or threatening innocents.

Heh. That sounds familiar.

I honestly don't really remember what happened after that. We got the information somehow, but I don't remember what it was or how we got it. Luella got her reagents back and ran past Vic (who was blocking the door), but Selyna ran after her.

I just remember rage. Furious, blind rage.

At some point, we left the room and headed toward the entrance. Selyna was lying there, bleeding out and...I felt bad for her. She was clearly not very bright and not very good at this. I healed her as best I could and I think she just got up and started attacking again. Everything was such a blur as we ran out and I just needed to get somewhere and pray and collect my thoughts. Too much had happened in there. Too many things I didn't like thinking or feeling.

One thing did stick out though. The religious zealots that were fighting early yesterday, they were lying by the side of the road, dead.

At least...most of them were. There were 5 bodies and 6 people arguing. Between that and the map...it makes me wonder if we let someone very evil slip through our grasp.

We reported back to the guild with the information we had and I went off to the church. I was praying when Vic showed up behind me. Eerily close behind me, really. He whispered something that Celathir had muttered before, "A blackthorn tree bursts into flame," and then left. I don't know why he followed us back. I don't know why he followed me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but...I think I hate him.

But that's not a good thing to do. That's not offering redemption but...how are you supposed to when the person is so undeniably resistant to the idea?

I don't want to be the old Ferrin, the girl he accused me of being, but as he kept saying it, the more I became her. Judgmental, fueled by righteous fury. The more he called me a paladin, the more I became one. I don't want that. I don't want to judge; I want to help.

But what am I supposed to do when faced with something so evil?

No, not even evil, just really, really mean.

I don't know. I just prayed to Sarenrae to bring me peace, to cleanse me of this fury and to allow me the serenity to think clearly. The next step is to confront this person who hired the mercenaries. Find out what he's doing and why. I don't need to worry about past mistakes, just what I need to do in the future. I just need to keep doing the most good I can and not let him get to me.

I just need to keep going.